This finish line doesn’t mean I’m at the end of the game or that I’ve “won”. There is no “won” unless we’ve won at a certain stage because the game goes on as long as we live and we always live but some of us don’t know that right away. “The End” is something we learn about very early. As babies we learn that people or toys we love are taken away from us but we learn that they come back to us sooner or later. Sometimes in better shape than when we last saw them, sometimes a little worse for the wear. Sometimes it seems like they didn’t or won’t come back to us. They did or will, but after a long period of time we just don’t recognize them anymore. But we’ve all had the experience of just meeting someone for the first time and feeling we’ve know them before. We can sit and talk with them about things we haven’t talked about with family or close friends and they understand exactly what we mean.
I don’t mean that meeting again means we will always work things out. There is an online person I know, I can’t say “friend” and I won’t say “enemy”. Maybe he is a frenemy. When we first met he came on in a negative sexual way (and it’s always negative if you don’t like someone that way). Then I ignored him. Then he apologized for past behaviors and said we could move forward. That was good. One day i saw him with his dick out while he watched me dance. I thought, what the fuck is this? We had a few words and he explained that it was natural and uncontrollable for men and I figured as long as he didn’t touch me it was not a big deal. Maybe I danced in underpants once, I don’t remember. I did sometimes dance nude in the club in the past to make money so it wasn’t a big deal.
Then one day this girl came to Chinatown, maybe she was dressed like a princess, I’m not sure. He spoke to her nice then he wrote me privately and asked to please don’t tell about dancing privately at his house. I agreed not to tell but I also said I would not dance for him again.
Later when she left he explained that she was just a friend, that he was just keeping the respect that he had for her in her role as a royal woman. I said that’s good but it reminded me that I’m the daughter of the Chinese Goddess, Xi Wang Mu. Also, now I am engaged to Brother Xu. So something is ending and a new way is beginning.
Kuan Yin, I remember you too!
Today is the first day of March. There’s cool, no, a little cold air in Flushing. It’s not yet spring but the temperature is still winterish. Outside is bright gray, no sun.
Today was Sunday, my day off. Every day i stretch, flex, and do an exercise program before I even get out of bed. Everyday think that maybe i will be back to the self i was before the accident, but there are aches, pains and stiffness. A major turning point came on thanksgiving when brother helped me walk a cross some steps into a small bathroom at someones home. it was hard, and something I was doing for the first time, and I did it. And afterwards I remembered that day and that walk and that it had been on thanksgiving. As my ability to walk became better my mind became stronger. i was saying “yes i like this and no i do not like that.” Well even if i said i didn’t like it. I’d still eat it but said i would not eat it the next time. Miss Ruby had worked as a home attendant for many years from the time she left Trinidad and came to America. She usually had old patients, i was the first young person she had. ok, it’s midnight. i’ll finish this tomorrow.
i woke up this morning and from where the sun’s light was reflecting on the ceiling i could tell it was almost nine o’ clock. i looked at the framed writing on the wall but this time i could read the four chinese words “tien di ren fu”. Heaven or God was Tien Di, Ren was People, Fu was luck. so the idea that i could make out a Chinese sentence in my mind was amazing. I was making improvement on my own. I look out of the window now, and i see and recognize things. I see a building that i know is a library and i know they have been renovating it and that people had demonstrations there and I signed up with the Green Party there when I turned 18.
I saw two Asian young men in suits wearing white short sleeved shirts and knew they were probably Korean ‘elders’ of the Mormon Religion (now called Church of the Latter Day Saints). There are a lot of them here because there are a lot of Asians here to convert who don’t believe in god, ex-communist chinese. but then my dad did and does believe in communism and he and his dad my grand dad were daoists even back in Fujian. And i have been in Taoist festivals and processions in Flushing and many of the believers followed or knew of Kuan Yin or Guan Gong or Xi Wang Mu long before they came to the U.S. Especially Chinese countries outside of China like Taiwan, Hong Kong, Malaysia, Indonesia, etc. I even heard there are Taoist temples in Africa, but I only heard it, I don’t know.
Ok, now I remember what the Korean Mormons reminded me of. Recently, maybe a few months ago a Korean guy was in a Chinese cyber cafe. Some of the members of the Chinese gang that ran the place confronted him and the fought. i have a feeling he was good. some of the Chinese ran out and came back with some more Chinese for this one Korean. They beat him down to the ground punching and kicking him and he got a knife — maybe from his pocket i don’t know, and stabbed up and the Chinese kid was dead. Of course i’m sorry a Chinese died, especially a young person who did not live to change his lifestyle and become a hero for the Chinese people in flushing. That’s a choice all of us in gangs have to make. when i was in a gang one thing i would only let there be a one on one fight, ore two on two. if the other side won i’d give them some kicks with all my force and then they could go.
So this is a big thing now in Flushing, “the Chinese killed a Korean!” Yeah, but the whole gang was beating him! Wouldn’t you use anything necessary to save your own life?
2) I saw brother Xu last night. I had written something, as i have done for about a year. Hoping for but not expecting a reply. But suddenly there was a reply, brief and polite. All the cool, suave things i’d practiced saying disappeared. I was tongue-tied and said a few things I don’t remember. It ended with him saying he would see me sometime this or next week. My heart was beating like it was Christmas Eve. I said goodnight before i dragged it out and became a nucience.
School has ended and i’m taking a break. I need the summer vacation to regroup and catch up to where i was. Or embark on something new. The day to day work of finding where i was and how to get back there…that stress is over. As i recover many memories about myself and who i was/am there is a relief. there is also a concern about what causes the gap in my memory, how there can be no mother and then one day i remember a day in the past playing in the snow me, mom and little brother (he really was little then) against dad, brother and uncle. i focused on brother because dad was way better than me, so at least i could get some could hits in. Uncle was taking it easy on my little brother. i glanced over at my mom and wham! wham! wham! she hit my dad twice and hit my uncle once! she could throw with both hands! i focused on brother and dad and mom was getting dad and her brother. i never saw anyone throw like her. and the i realized that i hadn’t seen her do it before. then i was slowly waking up and it was just a dream but a dream that really happened. i remembered it. And I remembered that she was now living in China and has a beauty shop there. And my little brother was with her, now he was fifteen. I wondered if he was tall or still a fai jai? Hmm, that “jai”, is that Jai’s name? How come I remember some Cantonese words? My dad speaks different languages but he doesn’t speak Cantonese. When i play with Sesen and Jai there’s something that I almost remember.
brother had a bunch of the older scouts over last night and they were all in a good mood. they were talking, laughing and cooking up a storm. a couple brought their girlfriends along. i said hi, but of course i knew none of them. i remembered some faces cause i’d seen – and remembered them since last summer, and summer would soon be here again.
i heard brother’s laughing voice as he joked around with the guys and two girls who’d joined them and i realized it was not a usual sound, him laughing and joking. i tried to remember the past, because it seemed like he had been happier some time in the past. a year ago…two years, four years ago? i didn’t laugh much either, did i used to? what did i laugh about? i didn’t remember laughing for a long time. everyday was the same, waking up, washing, brushing teeth, doing assignments and meeting with the teacher once a month.
i never saw brother’s girlfriend or remembered meeting her or remembered hearing of her. but until recently i could hear something in the morning and forget it by the evening. i am remembering things for longer periods of time now. there’s a beginning, and a middle and an end. the way normal people remember things.