Happy New Year (continuation)

Well that night I was just tired. I was struggling to stay up or stay awake. Brother was up till midnight. I stayed up an hour or so longer then I decided to just go to bed. Maybe he would come maybe he wouldn’t but I was too tired to check. Maybe I couldn’t handle one more no show. It’s been two years this time.

I can’t say I don’t care anymore cause I put so much time in this for it to just fizzle like this. Yet, I don’t feel like I did before. I don’t even remember how I felt before. I know I liked him a lot, maybe I loved him. I feel like it’s something I heard about, not an experience I went through. But how could I have been so into him for TWO YEARS and have it just melt away?

Not that I don’t remember him like the people I’ve forgotten. There are some people I’ve totally forgotten. Like a guy who’s been following me around for weeks. He doesn’t really speak but it feels like he wanted to speak. So finally I asked if I knew him. I told him I was in an accident and had lost my memory. Suddenly I’ve begun to remember things or people. I didn’t remember him but I remember his face. And there was something dark about him, or dark about his name. Yet we were and had been on good terms.

Me and Bro. Xu are not over. The connection is there but the tape doesn’t work.

Happy New Year!

This is the New Year where we can leave the old behind and walk into our new level of life. It’s been hard. Many times we walked out to find it was into another level of struggle.

This struggle was much different than the beginning. I see and feel myself get stronger, more trusting and happier.  I’m on a really new beginning.

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Today was January 20, 2018. That is the date of the last day I wrote in this datebook.  I’m in January, 20, the middle of the month. There was a change, I was able to look forward to things. And not in fear and gloom. Sometimes it was little challenging but I knew I’d come through.

Climbing Up The Ladder

For the last few days…months…I’ve realized I’ve been going backwards in time. I’ve found things I’ve written and I remembered writing them. Or I saw picture I took.  I saw places I’d been and remembered going there and why I went. More and more is coming back but there are still some cloudy places. Things I’m not sure I remember or that I’m remembering after hearing about it over and over again for two years.

I’m thinking too hard. I have to take a rest from this and come tomorrow.