Rain is powerful. We’ve thought that in passing, as a thought we saw pass by over our heads. But today it became clear. Rain is power-full. There is the power of the rain as it thunders and swirls from above, washing away that which has been lingering on for months. It’s been up and down then a shaky but perfect landing.
So take a breath and get a start on your new life. Center yourself and think. Then ask husband or wife. Then walk in faith.
I look out the window and I see many colored lights flashing. It’s a month past Christmas, and I saw about five of the last Christmas trees tied up today and out waiting for the garbage truck. but now it’s 9:00 pm and there is still a festive feeling in Flushing Chinatown. then I remembered—Chinese New Year! Maybe about a week away.
I know this is will be the Year of the Dog. I wonder what Dog represents the year? The Chinese dog (it has a lot of long fur). Shi Tzu?
This is really the time to remember our Dog brothers and sisters. They are still our canine lucky charms who go through the cold, the rain. the snow to keep us safe. Some humans treat them as they would like to be treated. They walk them under umbrellas, give them drinks when they’re thirsty, all the things our pets need. They also give them things human need and dogs don’t need…sweet food, fat, drugs.
We’re backing away from these poisons and finding out the true ways of health. Food that we can eat as it is. Or put it on our faces.
Breathe in, breathe out! Let’s go!
We’ve just celebrated Chinese New Year. Later I will read what I’ve written about it. Of course it won’t be like the old days of collecting red envelopes from my family, or later days of collecting them from the local store owners. I don’t remember seeing anyone from the past although if they walked right in front of me, I wouldn’t know them. It seems like years since I’ve seen Bro Xu, reading though this dairy or journal I see that he last contacted me in December and showed me a picture of his daughter who is now a little girl and not a baby….I remember how she looked as a baby and how she looks as a little girl. I remember how he used to look a lil on the skinny side and now he’s more buff. In one pic, did he have a glass of wine? It seems like I remember that….I am separating my sentences with …. because i’ve messed my punctuation somehow. I’ll just finish it like this for now and fix it on the next page…Looking out the window, my desk is beside a window. This window used to have a blurry film over the glass. It’s been like that as long as I can remember. But I remember asking my brother this summer if we could clean this window. He looked at me strangely, I guess cause this window’s been like this for so many year. A few days later the super came and he took out two window frames and put in two new windows. It’s like a whole new world has been revealed. I see sky, and the library two blocks away…a street with hair salons and drugstores and…well actually I see across the street not on this side. And for some reason it’s gotten darker across the street. I remember seeing more colored lights last night. Oh, maybe for Chinese New Year!
You’re probably saying “new year is a month and a half ago” and you’re right for most of the world but for Chinese (and most Asian people) New Year began 10 minutes ago. that’s if you’re in New York where it’s 12:12 AM. If you’re in California it’s hasn’t gotten to midnight yet.
It’s now the Year Of The Dog. I don’t think I know any Dog people. Imagine people saying “he or she is such a dog” (ha ha). Dogs are ok but I prefer cats. Twice small or medium small dogs bit my ankle.Both times it began with loud barking and then a bite. It didn’t break the skin but it was a bite. The first time I was getting into a truck, the second time I was going down the street on my way to school. I jumped over a fence and this group of firemen were cracking up. (It’s New Years so I won’t dwell on a negative.) The teeth didn’t pierce me. Maybe I looked like someone who did something to him. In those days we lived in a Black neighborhood. I guess that dog knew “you’re light-skinned, but you still ain’t one of us”.
That evening I walked down that street on my way home. Sure enough, he started barking. I stopped and stood there. In my mind I said, shut up, and go back across the street. He shut up, but as I started to walk away, he ran toward me. I took a rock out of my pocket and threw it at his head. He made a whining sound and I threw the second rock. He really sounded like he was crying then.
I don’t know how close it is, but I feel it’s the next celebration on the way. I know it’s the Year of the Dog. I wonder what dog is the symbol? Not any of the dogs honored in the dog shows. not the ones carried around in women’s purses, too precious to walk on the ground. yes, it is winter but dogs are closer to wolves than to human babies. They want fresh air, they want as much of the things of nature as they can get. They can run in the snow, sleet and rain without galoshes and hats and coats. they can wear and even get used to these things…but they need us to make them. so everybody, so back as far as you can to the old ways.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the old ways, the really OLD ways. When we wore skins and furs. I had a vision how in the old days I was a Native American. I was tall, and I was a guy! Well. I didn’t really see a see a weewee but I was dressed like a guy and I lived in this little room that had newspaper on the walls. I tried to see a date but I couldn’t. i thought it was in the future and there hat been come earth change but maybe it was just a cold Indian winter.
Anyway, the year of the dog is coming. Dogs are mans best friend, cats are woman’s best friend.
Every day in every way, I am getting better and better and better!
Well that night I was just tired. I was struggling to stay up or stay awake. Brother was up till midnight. I stayed up an hour or so longer then I decided to just go to bed. Maybe he would come maybe he wouldn’t but I was too tired to check. Maybe I couldn’t handle one more no show. It’s been two years this time.
I can’t say I don’t care anymore cause I put so much time in this for it to just fizzle like this. Yet, I don’t feel like I did before. I don’t even remember how I felt before. I know I liked him a lot, maybe I loved him. I feel like it’s something I heard about, not an experience I went through. But how could I have been so into him for TWO YEARS and have it just melt away?
Not that I don’t remember him like the people I’ve forgotten. There are some people I’ve totally forgotten. Like a guy who’s been following me around for weeks. He doesn’t really speak but it feels like he wanted to speak. So finally I asked if I knew him. I told him I was in an accident and had lost my memory. Suddenly I’ve begun to remember things or people. I didn’t remember him but I remember his face. And there was something dark about him, or dark about his name. Yet we were and had been on good terms.
Me and Bro. Xu are not over. The connection is there but the tape doesn’t work.
This is the New Year where we can leave the old behind and walk into our new level of life. It’s been hard. Many times we walked out to find it was into another level of struggle.
This struggle was much different than the beginning. I see and feel myself get stronger, more trusting and happier. I’m on a really new beginning.
* * * * * * *
Today was January 20, 2018. That is the date of the last day I wrote in this datebook. I’m in January, 20, the middle of the month. There was a change, I was able to look forward to things. And not in fear and gloom. Sometimes it was little challenging but I knew I’d come through.
For the last few days…months…I’ve realized I’ve been going backwards in time. I’ve found things I’ve written and I remembered writing them. Or I saw picture I took. I saw places I’d been and remembered going there and why I went. More and more is coming back but there are still some cloudy places. Things I’m not sure I remember or that I’m remembering after hearing about it over and over again for two years.
I’m thinking too hard. I have to take a rest from this and come tomorrow.
I was was going through this journal looking at two articles I had just found. One was just a few sentences of gobbledegook (that word looks Korean don’t it?) The second was two paragraphs about Thanksgiving. I was saying that that we as political people had the right to celebrate the holiday even though White people seem to have taken it over.
But the the truth is, there was a ‘thanksgiving’ for hundreds or thousands of years before before then. It was wasn’t on November 26 or whatever day it’s celebrated now but it was on the full moon closest to that day. Natives feasted and celebrated and gave thanks to the Creator. Maybe for the New Year. I remember learning from Grandmother Raven Hail that the Cherokee had two New Years, an agricultural New Year in March or early April; and one in October/Early November. But research this.
So I have been taught to respect both ways, and when in doubt, choose the Mother’s or Grandmother’s way.
This is a real American holiday, created in America. Well, there are many tribal celebrations but like Chinese holidays they are linked to the moon, to nature.Like, the first snow or Xi Wang Mu’s birthday (which will be the first New Moon in August around then. sometimes it might even come the following month. I need a calendar to look it up completely. With daily pics of the moon. It must have been really hard for our ancestors to keep track of the days and moons especially on cloudy days and foggy nights. Anyway, I thank you for keeping it going all of this time. Now we have the technology to make predictions and most are right. But the more we change the flow of rivers and rip into the earth, the more the Mother centers energy to pull us back.