You’re probably saying “new year is a month and a half ago” and you’re right for most of the world but for Chinese (and most Asian people) New Year began 10 minutes ago. that’s if you’re in New York where it’s 12:12 AM. If you’re in California it’s hasn’t gotten to midnight yet.
It’s now the Year Of The Dog. I don’t think I know any Dog people. Imagine people saying “he or she is such a dog” (ha ha). Dogs are ok but I prefer cats. Twice small or medium small dogs bit my ankle.Both times it began with loud barking and then a bite. It didn’t break the skin but it was a bite. The first time I was getting into a truck, the second time I was going down the street on my way to school. I jumped over a fence and this group of firemen were cracking up. (It’s New Years so I won’t dwell on a negative.) The teeth didn’t pierce me. Maybe I looked like someone who did something to him. In those days we lived in a Black neighborhood. I guess that dog knew “you’re light-skinned, but you still ain’t one of us”.
That evening I walked down that street on my way home. Sure enough, he started barking. I stopped and stood there. In my mind I said, shut up, and go back across the street. He shut up, but as I started to walk away, he ran toward me. I took a rock out of my pocket and threw it at his head. He made a whining sound and I threw the second rock. He really sounded like he was crying then.
I don’t know how close it is, but I feel it’s the next celebration on the way. I know it’s the Year of the Dog. I wonder what dog is the symbol? Not any of the dogs honored in the dog shows. not the ones carried around in women’s purses, too precious to walk on the ground. yes, it is winter but dogs are closer to wolves than to human babies. They want fresh air, they want as much of the things of nature as they can get. They can run in the snow, sleet and rain without galoshes and hats and coats. they can wear and even get used to these things…but they need us to make them. so everybody, so back as far as you can to the old ways.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the old ways, the really OLD ways. When we wore skins and furs. I had a vision how in the old days I was a Native American. I was tall, and I was a guy! Well. I didn’t really see a see a weewee but I was dressed like a guy and I lived in this little room that had newspaper on the walls. I tried to see a date but I couldn’t. i thought it was in the future and there hat been come earth change but maybe it was just a cold Indian winter.
Anyway, the year of the dog is coming. Dogs are mans best friend, cats are woman’s best friend.
Every day in every way, I am getting better and better and better!
Well that night I was just tired. I was struggling to stay up or stay awake. Brother was up till midnight. I stayed up an hour or so longer then I decided to just go to bed. Maybe he would come maybe he wouldn’t but I was too tired to check. Maybe I couldn’t handle one more no show. It’s been two years this time.
I can’t say I don’t care anymore cause I put so much time in this for it to just fizzle like this. Yet, I don’t feel like I did before. I don’t even remember how I felt before. I know I liked him a lot, maybe I loved him. I feel like it’s something I heard about, not an experience I went through. But how could I have been so into him for TWO YEARS and have it just melt away?
Not that I don’t remember him like the people I’ve forgotten. There are some people I’ve totally forgotten. Like a guy who’s been following me around for weeks. He doesn’t really speak but it feels like he wanted to speak. So finally I asked if I knew him. I told him I was in an accident and had lost my memory. Suddenly I’ve begun to remember things or people. I didn’t remember him but I remember his face. And there was something dark about him, or dark about his name. Yet we were and had been on good terms.
Me and Bro. Xu are not over. The connection is there but the tape doesn’t work.
This is the New Year where we can leave the old behind and walk into our new level of life. It’s been hard. Many times we walked out to find it was into another level of struggle.
This struggle was much different than the beginning. I see and feel myself get stronger, more trusting and happier. I’m on a really new beginning.
* * * * * * *
Today was January 20, 2018. That is the date of the last day I wrote in this datebook. I’m in January, 20, the middle of the month. There was a change, I was able to look forward to things. And not in fear and gloom. Sometimes it was little challenging but I knew I’d come through.
For the last few days…months…I’ve realized I’ve been going backwards in time. I’ve found things I’ve written and I remembered writing them. Or I saw picture I took. I saw places I’d been and remembered going there and why I went. More and more is coming back but there are still some cloudy places. Things I’m not sure I remember or that I’m remembering after hearing about it over and over again for two years.
I’m thinking too hard. I have to take a rest from this and come tomorrow.
I was was going through this journal looking at two articles I had just found. One was just a few sentences of gobbledegook (that word looks Korean don’t it?) The second was two paragraphs about Thanksgiving. I was saying that that we as political people had the right to celebrate the holiday even though White people seem to have taken it over.
But the the truth is, there was a ‘thanksgiving’ for hundreds or thousands of years before before then. It was wasn’t on November 26 or whatever day it’s celebrated now but it was on the full moon closest to that day. Natives feasted and celebrated and gave thanks to the Creator. Maybe for the New Year. I remember learning from Grandmother Raven Hail that the Cherokee had two New Years, an agricultural New Year in March or early April; and one in October/Early November. But research this.
So I have been taught to respect both ways, and when in doubt, choose the Mother’s or Grandmother’s way.
This is a real American holiday, created in America. Well, there are many tribal celebrations but like Chinese holidays they are linked to the moon, to nature.Like, the first snow or Xi Wang Mu’s birthday (which will be the first New Moon in August around then. sometimes it might even come the following month. I need a calendar to look it up completely. With daily pics of the moon. It must have been really hard for our ancestors to keep track of the days and moons especially on cloudy days and foggy nights. Anyway, I thank you for keeping it going all of this time. Now we have the technology to make predictions and most are right. But the more we change the flow of rivers and rip into the earth, the more the Mother centers energy to pull us back.
Brother Xu found me! I don’t know how, I just saw him somewhere and we started talking nicely. the world faded away and it was like the year or years passed since I last saw him. I was so glad to see him, there were no expectations just a warm happiness. I don’t know what I said but we talked a long time. And he wasn’t rushing me, he wasn’t in a hurry to go. I told him about this blog I’ve been writing over a year and I gave him this address. When I looked back at this, I was like O.M.G. cause there were a lot of thoughts about him and happy and sad things. Dreams and things I wrote about love or what I thought love was. Now when I look back at what I wrote and said it was childish. But it’s what I meant at that time.
He is nice to me now, such a relief. We can talk and laugh even about personal things. I think he knows now that although I like him a LOT it’s only for this online world cause there is a life and family he has; and a life and family that I am remembering more and more about. I have faded memories someone who is my mother and someone who is younger brother. One day it will be clear. Anyway, I know this is as close as we will get.
I’ve wanted to write about the World Series. The Mets did not make it so the Astros and the Dodgers are gonna play. My uncle acts like that’s still a chance for us to win since the Dodgers were were originally a New York, in fact a Brooklyn team. But that was so long ago. If they were on t.v. I would only recognize Jackie Robinson because I learned about him for Black history month, several times. and the Jackie Robinson Parkway goes from Queens into Brooklyn. But it looks nothing like the Ebbets Field where Jackie really played at.
Anyway, the Dodgers tied the Astros there in the Minute Maid Stadium. So it’s 1-1 . First team to win 4 games is the Champion.
At some point I realized I was waiting for autumn to come. I always thought when autumn (or spring or summer or winter) comes I’ll be better. I’ll be walking, something major will happen. Well, something major didn’t happen, but when I put it all together something major has happened. I’m walking further, I can read more, remember more, solve problems, have discussions, know what i want to eat and don’t want to eat.
I remembered my ‘son’. I met him a few years ago, his mom was having a hard time trying to make it with her three kids and I took him as my ‘son’. I think he was 7 or 8. My dad let him live with us. I took him to school. I don’t clearly remember how it ended. I would see this little boy who would always greet me and hug me and one day it came clear to me. this was my ‘son’.
This June he was 12. He always been small for his age. He was always fast, running and walking along the fence in the playground. Always taking risks, just like when I was a kid. Now he was going to be in Jr. High. Now, when I think of time that has passed that I can’t remember, I just get calm and think about it again later. Eventually it comes back. For several weeks I was trying to think of the Mexican goddess whose picture is all around the city. Today I remembered — she is Our Lady Of Guadalupe.