This is the New Year where we can leave the old behind and walk into our new level of life. It’s been hard. Many times we walked out to find it was into another level of struggle.
This struggle was much different than the beginning. I see and feel myself get stronger, more trusting and happier. I’m on a really new beginning.
* * * * * * *
Today was January 20, 2018. That is the date of the last day I wrote in this datebook. I’m in January, 20, the middle of the month. There was a change, I was able to look forward to things. And not in fear and gloom. Sometimes it was little challenging but I knew I’d come through.
For the last few days…months…I’ve realized I’ve been going backwards in time. I’ve found things I’ve written and I remembered writing them. Or I saw picture I took. I saw places I’d been and remembered going there and why I went. More and more is coming back but there are still some cloudy places. Things I’m not sure I remember or that I’m remembering after hearing about it over and over again for two years.
I’m thinking too hard. I have to take a rest from this and come tomorrow.
I was was going through this journal looking at two articles I had just found. One was just a few sentences of gobbledegook (that word looks Korean don’t it?) The second was two paragraphs about Thanksgiving. I was saying that that we as political people had the right to celebrate the holiday even though White people seem to have taken it over.
But the the truth is, there was a ‘thanksgiving’ for hundreds or thousands of years before before then. It was wasn’t on November 26 or whatever day it’s celebrated now but it was on the full moon closest to that day. Natives feasted and celebrated and gave thanks to the Creator. Maybe for the New Year. I remember learning from Grandmother Raven Hail that the Cherokee had two New Years, an agricultural New Year in March or early April; and one in October/Early November. But research this.
So I have been taught to respect both ways, and when in doubt, choose the Mother’s or Grandmother’s way.
This is a real American holiday, created in America. Well, there are many tribal celebrations but like Chinese holidays they are linked to the moon, to nature.Like, the first snow or Xi Wang Mu’s birthday (which will be the first New Moon in August around then. sometimes it might even come the following month. I need a calendar to look it up completely. With daily pics of the moon. It must have been really hard for our ancestors to keep track of the days and moons especially on cloudy days and foggy nights. Anyway, I thank you for keeping it going all of this time. Now we have the technology to make predictions and most are right. But the more we change the flow of rivers and rip into the earth, the more the Mother centers energy to pull us back.
Brother Xu found me! I don’t know how, I just saw him somewhere and we started talking nicely. the world faded away and it was like the year or years passed since I last saw him. I was so glad to see him, there were no expectations just a warm happiness. I don’t know what I said but we talked a long time. And he wasn’t rushing me, he wasn’t in a hurry to go. I told him about this blog I’ve been writing over a year and I gave him this address. When I looked back at this, I was like O.M.G. cause there were a lot of thoughts about him and happy and sad things. Dreams and things I wrote about love or what I thought love was. Now when I look back at what I wrote and said it was childish. But it’s what I meant at that time.
He is nice to me now, such a relief. We can talk and laugh even about personal things. I think he knows now that although I like him a LOT it’s only for this online world cause there is a life and family he has; and a life and family that I am remembering more and more about. I have faded memories someone who is my mother and someone who is younger brother. One day it will be clear. Anyway, I know this is as close as we will get.
I’ve wanted to write about the World Series. The Mets did not make it so the Astros and the Dodgers are gonna play. My uncle acts like that’s still a chance for us to win since the Dodgers were were originally a New York, in fact a Brooklyn team. But that was so long ago. If they were on t.v. I would only recognize Jackie Robinson because I learned about him for Black history month, several times. and the Jackie Robinson Parkway goes from Queens into Brooklyn. But it looks nothing like the Ebbets Field where Jackie really played at.
Anyway, the Dodgers tied the Astros there in the Minute Maid Stadium. So it’s 1-1 . First team to win 4 games is the Champion.
At some point I realized I was waiting for autumn to come. I always thought when autumn (or spring or summer or winter) comes I’ll be better. I’ll be walking, something major will happen. Well, something major didn’t happen, but when I put it all together something major has happened. I’m walking further, I can read more, remember more, solve problems, have discussions, know what i want to eat and don’t want to eat.
I remembered my ‘son’. I met him a few years ago, his mom was having a hard time trying to make it with her three kids and I took him as my ‘son’. I think he was 7 or 8. My dad let him live with us. I took him to school. I don’t clearly remember how it ended. I would see this little boy who would always greet me and hug me and one day it came clear to me. this was my ‘son’.
This June he was 12. He always been small for his age. He was always fast, running and walking along the fence in the playground. Always taking risks, just like when I was a kid. Now he was going to be in Jr. High. Now, when I think of time that has passed that I can’t remember, I just get calm and think about it again later. Eventually it comes back. For several weeks I was trying to think of the Mexican goddess whose picture is all around the city. Today I remembered — she is Our Lady Of Guadalupe.
I came here ready to write about the eclipse of the moon or sun, it was recent. maybe a month ago. The sun still shone faintly through the living room window. It never got darker than a cloudy day and that was only for a short time. I thought about this for a long time afterwards. looking from window, it definately never got got dark. Yet there was never anything on tv that said what we were told to prepare for never happened. I asked friends at school and people from all over the country about what they’d seen and basically they saw something faint like I did. One person around arkansas told me his sky got black and he described a real eclipse like we’d been preparing for. Not a total eclipse, there would still be some percentage of sun showing from the right edge.
I don’t why this stayed in my mind for so long. Maybe because nobody was talking or writing about it. It reminded me of a story a gangster told me about years ago, an old lady saw an angel on a treetop. Maybe two other people thought they might have seen the angel too. Then a preacher said he’s seen it too, and the reason everyone didn’t see it was because they were sinners. In the end, about 20 people in the crowd saw it.
Tomorrow — goodbye to another level of friends.
Late last night, before he went to bed, brother told me there would be an eclipse today. He said it would almost be a total eclipse and the maximum point would be at 2:44 pm today. It would have a circle of bright light around the edge but the sun would be black and we shouldn’t look up at the sun unless we had these special glasses that looked like the glasses you wear for 3D movies or your eyes would be severely damaged. Grandma said she heard about eclipses before but never saw one in her whole life and wondered if there was any way to see it. Brother said no, you had to have special glasses and nobody knew where to to get them especially so late at night. He went online and found a site that showed pictures of what it would look like.
I woke up at eight, got cleaned up and went to the computer. There were pictures of what the eclipse would look like and places where it could be seen. Some places were bright, some were dark as tv cameras from all over filmed it. At some point they began to show dark skies, then black skies and people in the darkness staring up and looking though their 3-D type glasses. The sun was still shining at my window.
Finally it was 2:44 pm, the time it was said we’d see it in New York City. It looked a little shady from my window but it was still a bright day.
I heard some kids voices in the street and hoped they were wearing their special glasses.
In the past although I liked going to the mall and seeing the people and displays I began to dislike it because brother would find some place for me to exercise. First it was to slowly stand and watch the fish swim past. Then it was walking a little more, a little more. Then it was walking from one end of the long hall to the other end.
We began today having breakfast at the food court. I had an egg salad sandwich and a huge vanilla egg cream. There’s no egg in the egg cream I don’t know how or why it has that name. The Vietnamese make a similar drink. Basically it’s seltzer water, milk and chocolate syrup. Somebody had the idea of using vanilla syrup which is the flavor I get. And at Johnny Rockets it’s always sweet, even now when the style is to cut back on sugar. I drink much less soda than i did in the past but I’d rather drink half a can of regular soda than a full can of seltzer water with a breath of soda flavoring. Johnny Rockets still made egg creams the way they were made back in the day. Although the company Johnny Rockets was maybe ten or twelve years old at the mall where I first discovered them, they were made to give you the feel of a 1940’s diner. The food was something you would have had in the old days, big fries and shakes, onion rings, apple pie and hamburgers. The good thing was they have a vegetarian hamburger smothered in onion that tastes just like a real hamburger. How do I know what a real hamburger tastes like? I can’t explain that. My mom said I came home and said Kuan Yin didn’t want people to eat cows, that they were gentle and worked hard for humans and gave milk (which I and most Chinese can’t drink). Our stomachs will rumble loudly, until you have to go move your bowels.
Grandma said she wanted to go, her head hurt but first she wanted an ovaltine or coffee. Brother left then returned with an insulated paper cup full of something steaming. Grandma added two little packages of sugar and a lot of milk, than began to slowly sip it. When she finished, her eyes were bright and she was ready to walk with my brother and I.