Brother Xu found me! I don’t know how, I just saw him somewhere and we started talking nicely. the world faded away and it was like the year or years passed since I last saw him. I was so glad to see him, there were no expectations just a warm happiness. I don’t know what I said but we talked a long time. And he wasn’t rushing me, he wasn’t in a hurry to go. I told him about this blog I’ve been writing over a year and I gave him this address. When I looked back at this, I was like O.M.G. cause there were a lot of thoughts about him and happy and sad things. Dreams and things I wrote about love or what I thought love was. Now when I look back at what I wrote and said it was childish. But it’s what I meant at that time.
He is nice to me now, such a relief. We can talk and laugh even about personal things. I think he knows now that although I like him a LOT it’s only for this online world cause there is a life and family he has; and a life and family that I am remembering more and more about. I have faded memories someone who is my mother and someone who is younger brother. One day it will be clear. Anyway, I know this is as close as we will get.
I’ve wanted to write about the World Series. The Mets did not make it so the Astros and the Dodgers are gonna play. My uncle acts like that’s still a chance for us to win since the Dodgers were were originally a New York, in fact a Brooklyn team. But that was so long ago. If they were on t.v. I would only recognize Jackie Robinson because I learned about him for Black history month, several times. and the Jackie Robinson Parkway goes from Queens into Brooklyn. But it looks nothing like the Ebbets Field where Jackie really played at.
Anyway, the Dodgers tied the Astros there in the Minute Maid Stadium. So it’s 1-1 . First team to win 4 games is the Champion.
At some point I realized I was waiting for autumn to come. I always thought when autumn (or spring or summer or winter) comes I’ll be better. I’ll be walking, something major will happen. Well, something major didn’t happen, but when I put it all together something major has happened. I’m walking further, I can read more, remember more, solve problems, have discussions, know what i want to eat and don’t want to eat.
I remembered my ‘son’. I met him a few years ago, his mom was having a hard time trying to make it with her three kids and I took him as my ‘son’. I think he was 7 or 8. My dad let him live with us. I took him to school. I don’t clearly remember how it ended. I would see this little boy who would always greet me and hug me and one day it came clear to me. this was my ‘son’.
This June he was 12. He always been small for his age. He was always fast, running and walking along the fence in the playground. Always taking risks, just like when I was a kid. Now he was going to be in Jr. High. Now, when I think of time that has passed that I can’t remember, I just get calm and think about it again later. Eventually it comes back. For several weeks I was trying to think of the Mexican goddess whose picture is all around the city. Today I remembered — she is Our Lady Of Guadalupe.
I came here ready to write about the eclipse of the moon or sun, it was recent. maybe a month ago. The sun still shone faintly through the living room window. It never got darker than a cloudy day and that was only for a short time. I thought about this for a long time afterwards. looking from window, it definately never got got dark. Yet there was never anything on tv that said what we were told to prepare for never happened. I asked friends at school and people from all over the country about what they’d seen and basically they saw something faint like I did. One person around arkansas told me his sky got black and he described a real eclipse like we’d been preparing for. Not a total eclipse, there would still be some percentage of sun showing from the right edge.
I don’t why this stayed in my mind for so long. Maybe because nobody was talking or writing about it. It reminded me of a story a gangster told me about years ago, an old lady saw an angel on a treetop. Maybe two other people thought they might have seen the angel too. Then a preacher said he’s seen it too, and the reason everyone didn’t see it was because they were sinners. In the end, about 20 people in the crowd saw it.
Tomorrow — goodbye to another level of friends.
Late last night, before he went to bed, brother told me there would be an eclipse today. He said it would almost be a total eclipse and the maximum point would be at 2:44 pm today. It would have a circle of bright light around the edge but the sun would be black and we shouldn’t look up at the sun unless we had these special glasses that looked like the glasses you wear for 3D movies or your eyes would be severely damaged. Grandma said she heard about eclipses before but never saw one in her whole life and wondered if there was any way to see it. Brother said no, you had to have special glasses and nobody knew where to to get them especially so late at night. He went online and found a site that showed pictures of what it would look like.
I woke up at eight, got cleaned up and went to the computer. There were pictures of what the eclipse would look like and places where it could be seen. Some places were bright, some were dark as tv cameras from all over filmed it. At some point they began to show dark skies, then black skies and people in the darkness staring up and looking though their 3-D type glasses. The sun was still shining at my window.
Finally it was 2:44 pm, the time it was said we’d see it in New York City. It looked a little shady from my window but it was still a bright day.
I heard some kids voices in the street and hoped they were wearing their special glasses.
In the past although I liked going to the mall and seeing the people and displays I began to dislike it because brother would find some place for me to exercise. First it was to slowly stand and watch the fish swim past. Then it was walking a little more, a little more. Then it was walking from one end of the long hall to the other end.
We began today having breakfast at the food court. I had an egg salad sandwich and a huge vanilla egg cream. There’s no egg in the egg cream I don’t know how or why it has that name. The Vietnamese make a similar drink. Basically it’s seltzer water, milk and chocolate syrup. Somebody had the idea of using vanilla syrup which is the flavor I get. And at Johnny Rockets it’s always sweet, even now when the style is to cut back on sugar. I drink much less soda than i did in the past but I’d rather drink half a can of regular soda than a full can of seltzer water with a breath of soda flavoring. Johnny Rockets still made egg creams the way they were made back in the day. Although the company Johnny Rockets was maybe ten or twelve years old at the mall where I first discovered them, they were made to give you the feel of a 1940’s diner. The food was something you would have had in the old days, big fries and shakes, onion rings, apple pie and hamburgers. The good thing was they have a vegetarian hamburger smothered in onion that tastes just like a real hamburger. How do I know what a real hamburger tastes like? I can’t explain that. My mom said I came home and said Kuan Yin didn’t want people to eat cows, that they were gentle and worked hard for humans and gave milk (which I and most Chinese can’t drink). Our stomachs will rumble loudly, until you have to go move your bowels.
Grandma said she wanted to go, her head hurt but first she wanted an ovaltine or coffee. Brother left then returned with an insulated paper cup full of something steaming. Grandma added two little packages of sugar and a lot of milk, than began to slowly sip it. When she finished, her eyes were bright and she was ready to walk with my brother and I.
This finish line doesn’t mean I’m at the end of the game or that I’ve “won”. There is no “won” unless we’ve won at a certain stage because the game goes on as long as we live and we always live but some of us don’t know that right away. “The End” is something we learn about very early. As babies we learn that people or toys we love are taken away from us but we learn that they come back to us sooner or later. Sometimes in better shape than when we last saw them, sometimes a little worse for the wear. Sometimes it seems like they didn’t or won’t come back to us. They did or will, but after a long period of time we just don’t recognize them anymore. But we’ve all had the experience of just meeting someone for the first time and feeling we’ve know them before. We can sit and talk with them about things we haven’t talked about with family or close friends and they understand exactly what we mean.
I don’t mean that meeting again means we will always work things out. There is an online person I know, I can’t say “friend” and I won’t say “enemy”. Maybe he is a frenemy. When we first met he came on in a negative sexual way (and it’s always negative if you don’t like someone that way). Then I ignored him. Then he apologized for past behaviors and said we could move forward. That was good. One day i saw him with his dick out while he watched me dance. I thought, what the fuck is this? We had a few words and he explained that it was natural and uncontrollable for men and I figured as long as he didn’t touch me it was not a big deal. Maybe I danced in underpants once, I don’t remember. I did sometimes dance nude in the club in the past to make money so it wasn’t a big deal.
Then one day this girl came to Chinatown, maybe she was dressed like a princess, I’m not sure. He spoke to her nice then he wrote me privately and asked to please don’t tell about dancing privately at his house. I agreed not to tell but I also said I would not dance for him again.
Later when she left he explained that she was just a friend, that he was just keeping the respect that he had for her in her role as a royal woman. I said that’s good but it reminded me that I’m the daughter of the Chinese Goddess, Xi Wang Mu. Also, now I am engaged to Brother Xu. So something is ending and a new way is beginning.
Kuan Yin, I remember you too!
Today is the first day of March. There’s cool, no, a little cold air in Flushing. It’s not yet spring but the temperature is still winterish. Outside is bright gray, no sun.
Today was Sunday, my day off. Every day i stretch, flex, and do an exercise program before I even get out of bed. Everyday think that maybe i will be back to the self i was before the accident, but there are aches, pains and stiffness. A major turning point came on thanksgiving when brother helped me walk a cross some steps into a small bathroom at someones home. it was hard, and something I was doing for the first time, and I did it. And afterwards I remembered that day and that walk and that it had been on thanksgiving. As my ability to walk became better my mind became stronger. i was saying “yes i like this and no i do not like that.” Well even if i said i didn’t like it. I’d still eat it but said i would not eat it the next time. Miss Ruby had worked as a home attendant for many years from the time she left Trinidad and came to America. She usually had old patients, i was the first young person she had. ok, it’s midnight. i’ll finish this tomorrow.
i woke up this morning and from where the sun’s light was reflecting on the ceiling i could tell it was almost nine o’ clock. i looked at the framed writing on the wall but this time i could read the four chinese words “tien di ren fu”. Heaven or God was Tien Di, Ren was People, Fu was luck. so the idea that i could make out a Chinese sentence in my mind was amazing. I was making improvement on my own. I look out of the window now, and i see and recognize things. I see a building that i know is a library and i know they have been renovating it and that people had demonstrations there and I signed up with the Green Party there when I turned 18.
I saw two Asian young men in suits wearing white short sleeved shirts and knew they were probably Korean ‘elders’ of the Mormon Religion (now called Church of the Latter Day Saints). There are a lot of them here because there are a lot of Asians here to convert who don’t believe in god, ex-communist chinese. but then my dad did and does believe in communism and he and his dad my grand dad were daoists even back in Fujian. And i have been in Taoist festivals and processions in Flushing and many of the believers followed or knew of Kuan Yin or Guan Gong or Xi Wang Mu long before they came to the U.S. Especially Chinese countries outside of China like Taiwan, Hong Kong, Malaysia, Indonesia, etc. I even heard there are Taoist temples in Africa, but I only heard it, I don’t know.
Ok, now I remember what the Korean Mormons reminded me of. Recently, maybe a few months ago a Korean guy was in a Chinese cyber cafe. Some of the members of the Chinese gang that ran the place confronted him and the fought. i have a feeling he was good. some of the Chinese ran out and came back with some more Chinese for this one Korean. They beat him down to the ground punching and kicking him and he got a knife — maybe from his pocket i don’t know, and stabbed up and the Chinese kid was dead. Of course i’m sorry a Chinese died, especially a young person who did not live to change his lifestyle and become a hero for the Chinese people in flushing. That’s a choice all of us in gangs have to make. when i was in a gang one thing i would only let there be a one on one fight, ore two on two. if the other side won i’d give them some kicks with all my force and then they could go.
So this is a big thing now in Flushing, “the Chinese killed a Korean!” Yeah, but the whole gang was beating him! Wouldn’t you use anything necessary to save your own life?
2) I saw brother Xu last night. I had written something, as i have done for about a year. Hoping for but not expecting a reply. But suddenly there was a reply, brief and polite. All the cool, suave things i’d practiced saying disappeared. I was tongue-tied and said a few things I don’t remember. It ended with him saying he would see me sometime this or next week. My heart was beating like it was Christmas Eve. I said goodnight before i dragged it out and became a nucience.